On Surrender: In the Beginning...

It all began for me with this. Well maybe not all, but it feels like it did. 

The breaking of my unbelief and of my trust. The release of the tension between who I am and who God created me to be. 

This is a story about true surrender and the real beginning of a true devotion to God in my calling, in my discernment and of the beautiful relationship of co-creation we would build together. 

It started here. 

Before I continue on with this true tale of what would shape the call to create, though, I ask you to do something for me...

What I need you to do before you read ahead is press play on the video above. This song, "So Will I" by Joel Houston with Hillsong worship has everything to do with the experience I have to share. Written words cannot adequately share what He did through me that night - what He invited me to join with Him to do. 

So press play and we'll continue...

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It was a late winter's night in early 2018 - this song had only recently been released. In the pursuit of developing a creative practice I immediately fell in love with it. The melody, the lyrics - everything about it spoke to me. So as I lay in bed one sleepless night around midnight the lyrics kept playing over and over in my mind. 

"God of creation, there at the start before the beginning of time...."

I felt the need to create. The lyrics kept rolling through my mind and the urge was there; but though sleepless - it was midnight. And honestly, I was frustrated. 

I was frustrated with my lack. I was frustrated by feeling led to try new techniques, but failing. Comparison kept me just below adequate, perfectionism was haunting...I wanted to be good - better than I was & it was so hard to endure...and it was late. 

The lyrics in my mind not going away, I heard Him, "GET UP. Come paint with me." And in true "me" fashion, I had arguments. 

"um...I'm NOT a painter."

"It's midnight!!!"

"REALLY?!?!" and so on.....but I lost. Sometime around 12:15, I finally rose and quietly tiptoed down the stairs to my creative space and sat down. When God wants something done, He's not going to stop. I took out a single sheet of watercolor paper and my paints, and I sat...

...and I sat some more. 

Suddenly the thought, "we are going to paint a GALAXY!" to which I swiftly replied - in my mind, not audibly; don't worry!, "I've never PAINTED a galaxy! I don't really understand watercolor - I can't do this!"

...and "So Will I" continued going through my head...

"God of creation, there at the start before the beginning of time....with no point of reference, you spoke to the dark and fleshed out the wonder of light...."

So I opened Youtube, turned the song on repeat, grabbed some supplies - my water spray bottle, some brushes and paints - and I began to spray water around my page and apply colors. As I painted and listened, I began to sob. 

I was insanely uncomfortable with all of this. My unfamiliarity with how the colors would move was completely daunting to me and my overwhelm at being unable to control or understand what was happening was literally breaking me. Yet I knew I had to keep going. 

He kept reminding me, "Let ME. Listen to my voice, we're doing this together..." and for over and hour, my Heavenly Father and I painted together, fleshing out a representation of His beautiful creation....light added here and there, layered over the dark; color and water added so it would all morph together, one color into the next. 

At some point, through all the tears and layers, I knew it was done. And it was good. The music still playing in the background, I thanked Him for showing me and cried some more tears. 

The Lord didn't just inspire me to paint a galaxy that night. He literally broke me and moved me outside of myself. I was truly surrendered, knowing I had to move and yet having no idea of what I was doing. He moved me beyond my lack of knowledge or know-how, He moved me beyond my comparisons of my art to his or hers with my constant coming up short and "less than". He moved me beyond my fears of failing....He moved me beyond my comprehension of what was to come, beyond my focus on the outcome....

...He just MOVED and when I let Him, none of that mattered. 

This single night's event was the catalyst of so much to come. Now a solid seven years later, I can clearly see it. With me out of the way, we've created a lot together that we never would have. I've had opportunities to bless others with art, to let Holy Spirit inspire me for others with no way I would have known to act on my own. He's led me to lead others into doing the same, to "letting go and letting God" in whatever they're doing, making, building, creating. 

And still to this day, this song brings back the joy from that night with Him in complete gratitude of ALL that He is and that He would use me. To this day, this song makes me weep. 

I still have the watercolor piece, though I don't even need it to remember that incredible spiritual event with Him and all that it has meant, all that it has led me to - He is SO good, He knows the plans He has for me and when I lean into Him, hard and beautiful things happen. I don't even need evidence....my soul knows what it knows. 

So yes, Lord - here I am. 

"I can see Your heart in everything You've made, Every burning star A signal fire of grace, If creation sings Your praises, so will I"